self-sabotage

In order to understand the relationship of such issues as; self-harming, self-sabotaging and inappropriate relationships, attachments and bonds, We need to understand how we as children react to trauma and what dissociation is about.

When we are abused as children we 'split off' the thinking, sensations, emotions and actions regarding what happened and place these in a separate compartment. This allows us to continue with our daily routine as if nothing had happened, or that it was distanced from us, like in a dream. This 'splitting' off the pain and distress is crucial and protects us from the unbearable horror of the event. It allows us to survive.

Splitting or dissociation is so powerful and effective that it prevents us from moving through the 'normal processes' by which everybody deals with and manages the ordinary daily stresses, embarrassments, guilt's and uncertainties. What we do normally is to re-play the incident over and over in our heads and in doing so gradually dilute the strength of the accompanying feelings.

Because we as abused children 'split off' the trauma we do not consciously re-enact it and therefore do not dilute it since it is too corrosive and enormous to manage. Also, if abuse goes on over time we are not given the opportunity anyway. This also leaves us never having addressed the distorted feelings and thinking which tell us we are bad, dirty, 'it was my fault' etc. These are in fact strengthened and reinforced by subsequent abuse and often lead us to states of 'learned helplessness', i.e. we become passive and unresisting in the face of subsequent abuse.

The need to address these issues remains with us unaltered so despite 'burying' some or all of the thoughts, memories or feelings, related to the trauma there is some 'leaking' and this may be experienced in the form of 'flashbacks' or behavior which does not seem to be related to the abuse. Self-harming behaviors, hurting others, sexual fantasy (including rape), masochism, promiscuity, repeated unsatisfying sexual encounters and abusive relationships are all examples of how this 'leaking' may lead us to 're-enact' an aspect of the trauma so that we can heal it just as we do in re-playing 'normal' stresses. The compulsion is our unconscious trying to make us aware and by doing so allow healing to begin. Until we are aware of why we behave as we do, or repeatedly think the way we do, we cannot begin to dilute it with adult logic AND TRUTH.

Knowing that 'it is not my fault' and believing that it wasn't, are two distinctly different things. We can carry on with the compulsive thinking and behavior, but unless the link is made regarding the re- enactment of the abuse, we will not carry this part of the healing process further.