Hello, my name is Steve, (from the U.S.A.) and I have to honestly thank you for this wonderful website.

My story is allot like all the others. Painful to deal with. It all started out when the next door neighbor was baby sitting me when I was 5 years of age. At that time I had no knowledge of what was going on, besides the fact that his p*nis was a whole lot bigger than mine. The first time he babysat me, he forced his p*nis into my anus. Causing me great amount of pain and bleeding. I was told that if I told what had happened there he would kill me. This went on for about a year. Thank god he only babysat me about 12 times. Each time he would rape me it would hurt more and more. Then one day I was caught with another boy my own age playing with his p*nis.. His mother asked me what in the world was going on. Then the truth came pouring out of me, I had told her everything, and thought I would be killed by the man. Well after about two counseling sessions the counselor told my parents that it was my fault.

That has stuck in my head for 24 years.. I started to bury it in my mind by drinking booze at the age of nine. By time I reached 18 I was drinking a gallon of whiskey a day. Then I turned to drugs and fought allot. My parents and teachers at school could not understand why I was self destructing the way I was. Well neither could I. After high school I thought that I was strange and different because I could talk to men easier than women. I even tried to have sex with several men. Nothing, I could not feel anything in having sex with a man. Women on the other hand. I could control when, where, and how. Until I meet a woman I thought I really loved. Well I lashed out at her, hitting slapping her, when ever she brought up having kids. I would slap her and tell her "no f*#king way are we having kids!" Well I went to jail finally, and thanks to the court system here, I got the help I really needed. I have brought the issues about the rape and the abuse I went through. It is not easy for me to deal with. I am now 30 years old. I have no job to speak of, and worse yet, I am homeless. I am falling back on friends to help me through my recovery. Friends who I thought were long gone, but they are still there where my family is not.

Thank you for letting my write this. I has helped me get a lot of this off my mind. I hope I can one day help others as you have helped me.

Thank you

(as received, but a few splats added... for reasons stated on previous page)