Men should be strong ?

There are several areas where males tend differ in their responses when they have been sexually abused compared to most females. This is not meant to infer that females do not suffer as much… they do, and there are some areas that females find more problems with than males do. However there are more female orientated recovery sites on the Internet than there are male sites.

For males, been able to be strong is something that is knocked into us by society from when we are very young. These messages come from parents, at school, in play, on the television and many other sources. This is not just about physical strength, but also mental strength. The result is that males think that they should be able to physically protect themselves, and when they can not they do not let is get to them in their thinking. Males are also taught that it is more acceptable to hit out when they feel anger. All of these are, however, some what unrealistic, and at best myths.

The result of this thinking means that many men, and boys, do not report sexual abuse, and they also do not try to get any help in dealing with the effects of the abuse. Many would see both of these actions as a sign of weakness.

People who have been abused deal with things in different ways, and we males are no different in that respect. For some males, the fact that someone has abused them will mean that they will then go on to learn boxing, karate or some other type of self defense. Often, although they become quite proficient at what they learn it never feels enough, and they will strive to learn more. Some males will feel that because they could not protect themselves from the abuse that they can never protect themselves. They will become timid and shy, easily picked on by others at school, which just goes on to reinforce how they feel about themselves. Other males, who are physically strong, often go onto using that strength to prove to themselves that they can now stay safe. Often these males will have problems controlling anger, more likely to suffer road rage, get into fights, etc.

Abuse blurs the emotional development of all people who are abused. Problems can arise when shame, guilt and anger intermix, something that is not at all uncommon for the male abuse survivor. Some males will use sport as an outlet for anger, some will use drugs and drink. Neither of these will work all of the time. The only way forward is to work through recovery. Talk about your anger. Talk about your feelings. Part of the problem is the anger that is felt at ones self for having been abused. By learning that the abuse was NOT your fault, removing the shame and guilt, anger does become easier to control. Part of recovery is to learn to identify your emotions. To learn the difference between been annoyed and been angry.

I use computer games as an anger release. I play Doom, and blast hell out of the monsters that I mentally paint the face of my abusers on. For me this is safe because I do realise that it is only a game, and not real life. I also fully realise the consequences of what would happen if I did such things in real life. If you feel that you may not be able to fully realise this difference then do NOT use this approach.

Another way of gaining control over your anger is to ask yourself how old you feel. If the answer is "very young", then it is probably the anger that you felt when you were abused, and may well not be appropriate to feel in your current situation. Leave the situation until you are able to look at it in a calm light.