male on male rape
copyright starman_uk (AEST) 1997 to 2004

The following section deals with male rape.

Even though male sexual assault remains greatly under reported, the United States Department of Justice documents more than 13,000 cases of male rape every year, in the UK there are no details available that I can locate, as male rape has only recently been accepted as a separate crime in UK law.

What are rape and sexual assault?

A sexual assault is any time either a stranger, or someone you know, touches any parts of your body in a sexual way, directly or through clothing, when you do not want it. Sexual assault includes situations when you cannot say no because you are drunk, high, unconscious, or have a disability.

Rape is any kind of sexual assault that involves the forced penetration of the anus or mouth, by a penis or other object. This may not be the legal definition of where you live but it fits to a large extent. There are other definitions that may fit better for you, and that is OK as well, if you feel like you were raped then you probably were.

Rape, and sexual assault, are not about sex, even though they may they feel like it, they are violent crimes against another person. Rape and sexual assault, like any other forms of violence, are used to exert power AND control over another person, yet for males it can cause all sorts of problems, guilt and shame. Many feel that rape is just not suppose to happen to males, but all to often it does happen.

Most cases of male rape tend to go unreported even though they are often far more physically violent than the rape of females. There are several reasons for this, and we shall have a look at some of them soon. Rape is widely accepted as a crime of violence, and is not as such a sexual crime. The anger, violence, hatred and fear are acted out sexually as a way of dehumanizing the victim to a point where the rapist no longer has to care about you as a person. Invariably the rapist will tell you that it is your fault in some way, and although the mixture of words and violence can be a powerful way of brain washing, it is only that; brain washing. NO ONE deserves to be raped, same as no one deserves to be abused as a child or an adult.

Males CAN freeze when afraid and can thus be totally unable to protect themselves. This is especially true when been raped and afraid for your life, just as it is when you are young and been abused. It does NOT matter if the rest of the time you get into fights and usually win, when you are under that much fear it is totally understandable if you froze, and is NOT a sign of weakness. Rapists and abusers sometimes use threats or weapons to force a person to cooperate. It is important to bear in mind that cooperation does not mean consent. Sometimes cooperating with a rapist is essential to survive the situation. If you are sexually assaulted or raped, it is never your fault - you are not accountable for the actions of others.

Male rape can causes problems to do with sexuality. It is almost inevitable that on having a penis inserted into the rectum, that the victim would gain an erection. This is caused purely by an automatic reaction of the body, due to stimulation of the prostate gland, and the male "G" spot. Even if the victim ejaculates, it is only to be expected. Irrespective of being heterosexual, bisexual or gay, it should not be taken to mean that you enjoyed the experience. (see Myths and facts about male rape )

Getting an erection is one of the main reasons that male rape goes unreported so often. If the victim is heterosexual, they fear that they will be accused of being gay. If the victim is gay, they think getting an erection will be taken as them "asking for it". Either way, getting an erection can be a cause of shame to may males who are raped, and do not understand that it is purely the way the human body is designed. However, most Police stations (in the UK) now have a Victim Liaison Officer, who is used to dealing with abused or raped people, and is trained to be sensitive to the needs of the victim. Now that male rape is accepted in law as rape, rather than assault, males now have the same protection in court as females in having there names protected (in the UK).

Many men, unfortunately, find it easier to blame themselves than accept that they could be overpowered and raped. Men are taught from an early age that they should be strong and able to protect themselves. Unfortunately, that is as much a myth as Father Christmas, but we all believed in him when we were young. The shame and guilt is similar to that of childhood sexual abuse, and often a survivor of childhood sexual abuse will find they seem to find themselves in situations where they are re-victimised in later life.

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Although, everyone reacts differently to surviving such an assault, there are some common symptoms and reactions.

As you can see from the above list, some of the effects are similar to childhood sexual abused, and if you have been a victim of both, then life can become extremely difficult. However, there are differences, many because of your age, the amount of violence used, fear of being killed, etc. Unlike childhood sexual abuse, where no one could reasonably expect to protect him or herself, adult male rape raises the big question of "why did I not stop it happening?" This was a question that I personally had a lot of problems trying to find an answer to.

I was 37 years old, and the person who raped me was only 24 years old, ex-army and physically much stronger than me. (See I still have to justify it to my self sometimes). The rape took place in my own home, after been violently beaten up for a period of over four and a half hours, more on than off. During that time, there were short periods of time that I was alone in the room and latter thought that I could have escaped, but instead I froze. It took a long time for me to accept that it is understandable to freeze when faced with a situation where I was convinced I would end up dead and had no control over the situation. Had I of attempted to escape, whilst in a state of shock I would not of got very far, and that would of pushed my attacker into a corner where he would of been more likely to kill me. There was nothing in reality that I could have done apart from give in to him. I wrote down every thing that I thought I could have done, but when I worked out what my attacker would have done, the outcome would have been worse.

Another reason that I gave into the situation was that I had taken as much physical pain as I could. That does not make me a coward, it just means that I was realistic. I would have done anything to stop the pain. The fact that I had been abused as a child also meant that, by being raped, I was at least in a situation that was more familiar than been violently beaten. Which ever way I look at the incident I no longer blame myself for what happened, or the things that happened in the 10 weeks before the police moved him out of my house. I did what ever I had to do too physically survive the events, and had I not I would probably not be alive now. Sure I wish it had not of happened, but it did, I can not change it, and I now have to move on. Three years later I still find it hard to sleep on a night in the dark, even though the house is now alarmed. I still have nightmares, though they are getting less frequent. I sleep in a different bedroom. I have moved all the furniture around and redecorated. Basically I have done all that I can so that I do not have constant reminders in my house. Whilst I do not think anyone can totally recover from being raped, things do improve in time. The hardest part was to stop blaming myself, but with the help of two good therapists I eventually managed to accept that I was not to blame. I hope that you too will be able to let go of the self blame yourself, as you did not deserve to be raped and you do not deserve the blame either.

also see Myths and facts about male rape