Please excuse the spelling. I was jilted remembering this.
Please list my name as Luke.

I was raped. I am male.
It seems often like an oxymoron.

I was not molested, I was 19 when it happened. It's not something I like to think about. But it is important that men know that adult men can be raped.

I have always been a binge drinker, especially socially. I used to love parties, and love even more getting smashed out of my mind along with friends. Of course, often this led to other drugs, which I took with the same lack of digression. The night of my assault was like any other. It was Friday night and I was at a friend-of a friend's house. There were more people there than I had expected, and I had already drank about 2 pints of strong liquor (vodka, rum, kalua...) and possibly three marijuana joints. I get very talkative when high, and so was chatting with anyone who sat down near me. That's how I met my assailant. While I was getting some more to drink, he started a conversation. I had noticed him before...he was sorta sitting of by himself watching everyone and chain smoking. He occasionally talked to a woman who I knew from work. he looked about 25. I found out he was a bartender and we started talking. I was very drunk and was sotra drifting in and out of conciseness.

Suddenly, he asked if I wanted some coke. I hadn't had many "expensive" drugs, and had only had coke once, so I was eager to try. I remember that I was about to get my friends, but he told me that he didn't have enough to share with a lot of people. We went up to the bedroom of the host. He told me to wait on the bed while he got the coke in that bathroom (I didn't rationalize why it would be there). I waited several minutes, half-passed out. I was nearly asleep when I heard to door bust open. He looked much different, very wild, and his face was red and wide-eyed. I could also tell he had a hard-on, and for some reason I thought he had been masturbating...however, this did not seem to be odd to me in my drunken state. He was holding a hairdryer, and before I could ask where the coke was, or why he was holding the hairdryer, he had smacked me across the bed with it. I just murmured "What the f---" and rubbed by head, and before I could get up he was on the bed and strangling me with the cord. He said "I am going to f--- you hard, you little f--" and pulled the hair dryer away, so that the cord ripped my neck. He hit about the shoulders, thigh's, and groin. I tried to get up or roll into a ball but I was to drunk. He took of my vest and pulled my shirt up over my head and tied my arms with it, then began to lick my chest. At that point I froze up. I was very frightened and confused. I kept on thinking "This is not happening. This is a nightmare. I am passed out downstairs. I will wake up in a second". I couldn't move, or cry, or scream, or even breath that well. My jaw was all clenched up. He hit me in the stomach, but I couldn't even clench up, I just felt a pain. Then he jerked of my belt and pulled down my pants. I then realized I was going to be raped- I just thought "no...no...no" and started to stare at the wall. He hit me in the testicles with the hair dryer a few times, then suddenly pushed me over and penetrated me. It hurt so bad, I started gagging. I could smell his sweat on me, I could smell his cologne. He was so hot and heavy. One second he would be telling me he loved me and being obsessive and scary the next, hitting my back with the hair dryer or strangling me with the cord and telling me he hated me and was going to kill me. He was crunching my testicles the entire time and they were in such pain they just felt numb and frozen. They hardest part of this was the erection. I now know that it is a physical reaction, but at the time I was very ashamed and thought that I was gay and liked it. This made me think I had sent him "signals" and brought it on myself. Actually, I do not think he was gay...it was an act of violence, not homosexuality.

After about 15 minutes he was done with the first rape, and began to beat me some more. I was just like a rag doll, falling wherever he hit me. He kicked me in the groin for about fifteen minutes. For the next 5 hours, he continued to bludgeon me, strangle me, kick me, rape both annaly and orally, tell me I was going to die, and masturbated me, which further caused me to think I was guilty.

After he was done, he left me in a pile of blood and vomit, giving me some more kicks for extra measure. After about an hour, I had enough strength to get my hands free and pull up my pants. Then I went into the bathroom, and with my pants on, I went into the shower and curled into a ball and let the hot water run over me. I had to throw up twice.

Eventually the host came in and found me- it was the next morning. I told her that I must have passed out drunk. I did this out of shame. I felt I was at fault because:

To date, I have not sought any legal retribution. I have been able to put this behind me to some extent. I have not been to a large party since, and have become much more reclusive. If there is any good to come of that, I have been sober for a year now. I am starting a romantic relationship (with a woman, I have always been straight) after several flings. I have had sexual problems that even now plague me. I still do not have enough strength to go get medical treatment, and I want to know if he did any permanent damage to my testicles. I have survived, at least, and have the rest of my life to make things close to the way they were- but they never will be. This I know. There will always be memory, and always be pain, in the back of my head, in the undercurrent of my thoughts.

Luke.