Hi my name is Bill and I am from the British Isles. I'm in my late 20's and married with one small daughter.

When I was young my dad use to hit me a lot, and I was not allowed to play out with other kids very much. I have one brother who is 8 years older than me, and one sister who is 14 years older than me. My sister left home as soon as she was old enough. I know that my brother used to sexually abuse me when I was about 7 years old and think that my dad also did but I have only very vague memories of him doing so. My older brother and I used to have to share rooms, sometimes beds when we went away on holiday. I used to think that all families where like that, and it is only in the last few years that I have started to accept that they are not.

When I was 16 I had a tea time paper round after school. One day I was invited in for a warm drink, as it had been raining hard and I was cold, and I accepted. With in 10 minuets I was on the floor been raped by an older guy who's wife had left him. I cold not struggle as I was too afraid. It only lasted about 15 minuets and I was told to leave. I went back to the paper shop and told then that I had got a better job so would not be working for them any more. It was a lie but I could not face delivering papers there any more.

I used to use mast*rbation as often as I could for many months trying to evade having the need for sex. In many ways it worked, but I became lonely, so I spent the next several years of my life in various gay relationships trying to find a place in life where I fitted in. Some where just one night stands, some even lasted shorter. During the rape I both got an erection and ejaculated, and was convinced that I must be gay, thinking "if I was truly afraid I would have remained limp with fear", although I now know it does not work that way.

I drifted in and out of several of those relationships, mainly with much older men and eventually into one where he was nearer to my own age. He was the first who had liked me for who I am and I stayed with him for two years, I lived with him for most of that time as well. I had my own bed room that I could use if I wanted, but most times I would sleep in the same bed as him. It was the first relationship where I could sleep next to some one and they would put an arm around me with out having to pay for it with sex. We would have sex sometimes, but only when we both wanted to do so. He was so different to all of the others. He was the only one that I felt very safe with. He encouraged me to go out with my own friends, to go see my sister when ever I wanted to. He was obviously deeply in love with me as a person, and he had also been abused in similar ways when he was younger. I went out to dances on a week end and if I wanted to go with girls my own age he did not mind.

Unfortunately one of the girls took me to her house when I was drunk, as she was upset and wanted to talk. I woke up in the bed next to her the next morning. I am sure we did NOT have sex, and I always used condoms any way.

Three weeks later she told me that she was pregnant and I married her. It has not been an easy relationship as she does not like males very much. I am starting to think that the child is not mine and that I am gay. She says that it is my child mine and she also thinks that I am gay. She was brought up in care homes for most of her life. We are still trying to work out what to do with the relationship. I love my daughter loads, but there is just no love between me and my wife.

I am starting therapy in a few months to try to work on my past, and how it has affected me. If it was not for the love I got on my last relationship I would have been different now, just drifting around thinking that sex was love. That relationship was one of the best that I have had, with all the freedom and support. I wish I had of stayed with him as I broke his heart when I left, and mine as well to a large extent. He taught me that my past was abuse, and that getting an erection was just the way my body works. It was such a relief to know that it was not my fault. This time with the help of therapy I hope to try to discover who I really want to be. I have always learned thing the hard way in the past, yet all I have learned is that the hard way is hard.

I am temporally separated from my wife whilst we work this one out. All I want for myself is to become who I was supposed to be, to be me. I find this site of great support with it's forums and articles on males, and hope that it continues to grow, as I wish that same to myself.

I will update this story sometime, as it was e-mailed to Steve so he knows where it was from. To all males I would say try to overcome the shame and guilt that others have given you, as they are a gift that you do not need nor deserve. You are not alone in what you have been through, and with truth comes freedom to become who you really are.

From Bill (Eu.)

update - We had blood tests done and the child was NOT mine. She used me as she did not want to be alone (something I have since found out is very common), and had been with more men in her life than I have. We are now divorced and I have a new boyfriend :)