Going back to Childhood

One of the stages that is common in most recovery programs is that of going and having another look at your childhood. This is not just trying to look at things through your adult eyes, but also revisiting how it was for you as a child. This should include how life was for you in general before the abuse, as well as during or after. This is one of those areas where a good therapist proficient with survivors is a godsend. If you can get hold of any photographs of yourself at that age then do so, as it will help you to recall things better from a child's point of view.

At first you may think that all you have to do is understand things from an adult viewpoint, but if you are to get rid of self blame and guilt, it is important that you also understand how the circumstance's were for you as a child, from a child's viewpoint.

It was one of the things that I found hard to do a lot of the time at first. For me, to think as a child was to risk danger, and I grew up early hadn't I ? Even so, it was a thing that I had to do, and it proved to be painful, but rewarding in the end. When I looked at how life for me was around the time the abuse started, I felt a deep loss, because as crap as the abuse had been, I thought that things had not been too bad otherwise. The reality of it was that, putting aside the abuse for a moment, life was far from pleasant, and I felt unloved, unwanted and ignored. It was as if someone had destroyed my memories of my "golden years of childhood" that I hoped to recall once I had dealt with the abuse. In reality I had no golden years to recall, but at least it put the abuse into a more complete perspective. One that I could make more sense off, and I could see that, as a six year old, I had nothing to blame myself about. This new understanding went a long way to reducing the self-blame, and although it meant having to let go of the fantasy of an otherwise happy childhood, it was only that, a fantasy. The few really happy moments that I can recall now are far more precious to me.

Another reason that it can be very important to have a look back at your childhood years is that, when a child is abused, the child part of us is left deserted and in extreme mental anguish . As an adult we need to try to get in touch with this part of ourselves, to reassure and start to heal that lost part of us. All of us, abused or not abused, have an " inner child " and if that part of us remains in torment then the adult part of us will suffer and be in torment also. I admit that, at 39 years old, when I first started to work on the inner child part of myself, it all seamed rather odd and illogical. As time went on it all started to drop into place, and even became enjoyable. I even went so far as to give my inner child a separate name, he is Chris, and the better I get to know him, the more the rest of me grows. Even more important is that he is no longer alone. I can start to recognize which are his fears and which are mine as an adult, and that makes things easier to deal with. Now that I acknowledge Chris, I also derive more pleasure from playing games that unto recently I would of considered to be too childish for an old man like me. If you doubt the pleasure that can be derived from knowing your inner child, then tell me why lots of dads buy their two, or three, year old son's a train set. Is it not that dad is the one who will play with it until his son is older, though it's more likely to be a Nintendo these days than a train set. Chris can also do a mean "Irish Jig" type of dance I can tell you.

The child part of you will be the part that blames themselves for their fear, isolation, shyness, unhappiness and confusion. Adults told you that the abuse was your fault, and adults don't lie, as far as a child see's things. However, nothing could a further from the truth. The fact is that you are older now and that just goes to show that even as a child, you were strong, clever and resourceful, as despite the abuse you survived into adulthood. And yes that does include you. It is these same strengths that I am sure will help you along the road to recovery.

There are several ways to help you get in touch with your inner child. Photographs can be a big help, both ones before the abuse and those afterwards so that you can see the difference. Play games that you did as a child, painting, revisiting some of the place's you played as a child, though possibly avoiding the places that abuse took place.

As you go through your recovery, letter writing to the child within will also help. Tell him/her how brave s/he is, how much you love him, how s/he did not deserve the abuse and it was not his fault, how much his/her abusers are bastards. As you proceed it will become easier. As a child, you did not understand that it was the abusers fault, or much about abuse, other than you may of felt something was wrong. As a child you had the right to be loved, cared for and be protected, in a non-abuseful way. It was wrong that you were abused, wrong that you had to keep it a secret, but as you get to know your inner child, s/he will have you to help him/her and protect them. As an adult you can read, learn and then reassure your child within.

Before you start to work through how bad things were for you as a child, I think that you will find it helpful later if you write, or make notes, about any really happy, or funny, memories that you can recall from your childhood. Doing so will later help to maintain a balance to your past, and help you in your recovery from the abuse.