For many adults that have been abused, friendships do not come easily. There are several reasons for this, apart from the obvious, lack of trust. One of the basic problems is that an adult, abused as a child, still tends to cling to the child's perspective of what a "Best Friend" should be. I.E.:-

The first thing to realise is that, for most children, there is always someone who is a "Best Friend," and what the adult victim tends to do, when they have no friends, is to automatically place anyone who shows any sign of friendship into the bracket of Best Friend. This can be a frightening experience for the other person, and a very puzzling one as well. The net result is that the other person will not remain friendly for very long, or that, if they are the sort of person who uses people, they will spot your weakness and use you. It goes a long way to explaining why I would always be the one paying for most of the drinks in the pub. Why I would often end up in bed with someone that I would rather not do so with. Seeing someone as Best Friend, means being blind to them using you at times. What one has to learn is to not give too much of yourself, stop the need to please, and also not expect too much from others. You have to learn to take people as you find them, complete with their faults, and also learn that what you don't receive from one friend, you may well receive from another. You have to drop the outdated notion of Best Friend.

I had great difficulty seeing that I was clinging to the child's view of Best Friend, and I felt very annoyed with the person who told me that I was doing so. More so when he pointed out, "that because it was a false view I could never find it." I remember thoughts like "but it has to exist, that's what I need" and "but I grew up early because of the abuse, I cannot have a child's view." It took me some time to realise what I had done, where the error had been in my thinking, that "the abuse had made me grow up quickly". What I had done as a child, was to realise that, to be a child was no defense against an adult. In realising that, what I had done was to remove anything that I considered to be childlike. I stopped playing games, would be the one at the edge of the playground at school. It was childish to play such games, adults don't do that. I did not laugh very often, that was childish, same with crying. I denied myself friends of my own age. I denied myself enjoyment and many emotions. There was no way that I had grown up quickly, it takes time to do that, learning by playing games with people your own age. Learning from each other. By denying myself emotions, I denied myself emotional growth, a thing I needed as a child, and as a teenager, to become an adult. I denied myself friends for so long.

If I had grown up in a way that was based on a child's idea of what an adult was, then it made sense that I would have a child's view of how adults were friends with each other. The abuse trapped me in a way that left me no way of finding out anything different. It was not my fault, it was my abusers.

Realising that I had clung onto the idea of Best Friend, also explained other things to me. The fact that I had nearly always ended up having relationships with other victims, as they were the only ones with the same Best Friend needs. Why in relationships, we as a couple, did not have many friends, nor did we want them. Why the relationships never lasted very long. Why I would at one time always have a relationship with someone about 10 years older than me, then on reaching my 30's it would be with someone 10 years younger than me.

When I was younger, people my own age appeared too childlike, so I went with older people. In my 30's, I can not get on with people my own age, as I don't see things in their adult way, so I feel more comfortable with someone 10 years younger. The only answer is to learn the boundaries that adults place on friendships, and let go of Best Friend, black and white thinking.

See someone as a Best Friend and it will be almost inevitable that sooner or later they will let you down. It will be impossible for them to live up to your expectations of them. The problem with classing someone as Best Friend is that you tend to make unrealistic demands on the friend, and they do likewise. Whilst you will probably let them get away with it, it is unlikely that they will do the same for you. You very rapidly lose the friend. It all seems too risky to them, as best friend is almost the same as been in love in the adult world. In the real adult world, friendships need boundaries. It can take a lot of getting used to at first, as it can seem a little like rejection. To the victims black and white way of thinking, any rejection is total rejection. But as you start to see things in shades of gray, and eventually a multitude of colors, you will realise that boundaries are not about rejection at all. Boundaries are about respecting yourself and respecting the other person. Not taking each other for granted, not annoying each other. It's OK for you to say no to things that you find unacceptable, and it is OK for people to say no to you as well.

You will find that different friends will fulfill different needs of yours, but only some of them. You need a balanced group of friends to live in the adult world. In friendship's people must allow you the freedom, and respect, to be yourself, and you must allow the same for them. Without that freedom there can be no room for self growth. Your partner has to be allowed to have some of his/her own friends, and so must you, but a few you may share time with together. Even in most adult relationships, your partner is unlikely to be able to be your childhood idea of best friend, yet will hopefully, nevertheless, be a very good friend. To treat them as a best friend would be to open the relationship to too much jealousy, resentment and stifle its growth. It can not last.

Friendships grow like trees. Build a wall around a small sapling and it might grow quickly to reach the light, but it's roots will not develop, it will grow weak and top heavy. At the first strong wind, it will fall and wither. A true friendship takes time to grow, but will be all the stronger for it. Allow that friend to have other friends and they will gain strength from them, and be stronger for it. Try to stifle that friendship and keep him or her as a Best Friend for yourself, and like the tree it will fall and wither.

Remember that a Best Friend is part of the victims black and white way of thinking, and can only lead to jealousy and loneliness. Let go of both Best Friend and black and white thinking, and you will be two big steps closer to becoming a survivor AND a thriver.